.LINDSEY’S RANTINGS.

Picture this.
I’m driving home from work today and I’m hitting every. single. red. light.
That’s not actually relevant to the story, it’s just an annoyance I wanted to express.
So I’m sitting at one of the aforementioned red lights when I get this tickle in my nose like I’m gonna sneeze.
So bam. I sneeze. No biggie, right?
Yeah, no. I bashed my big stupid face directly into the steering wheel, which freaked me out, because who expects that? To be assaulted in the face during a sneeze? Terrifying. So I scream. Loud. And then blood starting gushing out of my nose and I start crying and seriously? How awesome would it have been to get that on tape?
Anyway, if you were sitting in Salt Lake City traffic today at 3:00 pm and witnessed a maniac flailing around her car with tears and blood and a bruise on her face, then…
well…

That girl was me.

Anyway, the humiliation is such that I may still kill myself.
Stay tuned.

I need to preface this particular incident by saying that I’ve made a few enemies at work. When people yell at me for things that aren’t even close to being my fault, I don’t put up with it. And granted, I know that it’s part of the whole ‘customer service’ thing, but I do not get paid nearly enough to put up with that sort of thing.
Anyway, this is more about my stupidity than Pablo’s. But I just love how he keeps track of what I say…

Pablo [after I was super nice to a customer]- You hate her.

Me: I do?

Pablo: Yeah, she’s one of the ones you hate.

Me: I don’t remember that.

Pablo [heaves a huge sigh]- Two weeks ago she yelled at you because we didn’t have any lids and then when she left you called her a ‘whiney whore’ for the rest of the day.

Me: Oh YEAH. She IS a whiney whore.

Pablo: You’re really stupid.

- This post brought to you by the fact that I clearly can’t keep track of my enemies all by myself.

I’ve been hearing that my posts are getting too mushy gushy what with me mentioning Jeff every other sentence (hi, Ashley and Nicole! You hoochies are just jealous!) but I’m just going to warn you right now that I spent labor day with Jeff, so this is going to be kind of a post chock full of JEFF. If my mushy gushiness freaks you out (hi, Brittney and Tyson!) then just skip this post.

1. I woke up and immediately picked up the book, Helter Skelter.. the one about Charles Manson, yes. And if that’s wrong, well then I don’t want to be right, because I find true crime positively fascinating. If that makes me a psychopath, so be it. Anyway, I cleared 5 chapters before deciding it was time to take a shower, brush my teeth, and pee.

2. Excitedly wearing fall clothes, finally!! It’s been rainy and cold and blustery and I’ve never been happier! I like fall clothes about a million times more than I like summer clothes. Plus, you don’t have to shave your legs… BONUS!

3. Riding Trax all the way to downtown with Jeff. And let me just say that there are some weirdos who ride the Utah Transit System. There was some hilarious dude with (and I am not kidding, I’d never do that to you) purple dreds. Oh yeah. And a Nine Inch Nails t-shirt. And when he got on the train, I leaned over to Jeff and very subtly was like, JEFF, SOME GUY WITH PURPLE HAIR JUST GOT ON THE BUS AND OH MY GOSH, HE’S MIDDLE AGED. And right on cue, some 3ish year old kid turns to his mom and goes, mommy that man has purple hair why does that man have purple hair but MOM! THE HAIR! IT’S PURPLE! and I was depressed because five seconds earlier I was saying the same thing. This puts me on the same maturity level as a toddler. Not that I’m surprised, but humiliating myself in front of the boy I like? Not fun for me. Although I guess it is something he should get used to.

4. We went out to eat at the Skybox which is like a sports bar place at the Gateway mall in downtown Salt Lake City. It has giant TV’s all over the place where they play all the sports games that are going on at the time. It’s usually kind of lame, but today they had horse races on and holy eff are some of the names of the horses hilarious! There was like ‘Rosemary’s Nino’ and ‘Washington Way’ and then one of the horses names was ‘Billy Jean’ and so of course I burst into the chorus of the Michael Jackson song Billy Jean at full volume and with a mouth full of cheese fries. Most people just looked at me, although you could hear a few singing along under their breath. They were secretly impressed. Jeff paid the bill in a hurry after that.

5. Our next stop was the Clarke Planetarium, where Jeff and I learned all about the solar system, along with about 7 thousand screaming kids and their parents. It was actually a total blast, as nerdy as that sounds. And there was an exhibit where you get to be the weather person for a little while and Jeff and I stood in line for the following photo opportunities:

Jeff the weather dude

Lindsey- and that’s not me, it’s the camera adding 10 lbs.

Then we stumbled across, oh yeah, the MOON and decided to take a few pictures of that, as well.

Us on the moon. If you look behind Jeff, there’s clearly a space man in the background. Awesome.

6. We stood in the longest line ever at the Starbucks, but it was worth is, because of my severe (and slightly troubling) obsession with chai tea frappuccinos. Something about all that nutmeg just does me right in.

7. We then took a walk around the temple, where I acted like an idiot by splashing in the reflection pool and totally lying to some poor homeless dude about not having any money as I selfishly slurped my chai tea. I felt bad for about 10 seconds until I sucked down another gulp of whipped cream and cinnamon. It soothes my conscience.

8. Trax pt 2- taking the Trax train home. No one with weird hair this time, although we did get to watch the cops throw 8 people off the train for not being able to present a ticket. What’s funny is that Jeff didn’t have a ticket either, but somehow got out of getting in trouble. I’m convinced it’s because of his charm and his clean-cut good looks. He says it’s because they just didn’t ask him for his.

9. We arrived home just in time for my family party. The grandparents were there, along with all the cousins and aunts and uncles and inbreds. My mom totally pimps Jeff out by bringing out a guitar and going everyone hush up now, because Jeff is going to play us some songs! to which I reply, through clenched teeth, mother, maybe Jeff doesn’t WANT to play the guitar, hmm? but it was too late because he had already grabbed the guitar from her hands and started plucking out a few catchy chords. He played a song he wrote for me that made most of the women in my family cry (but it’s mostly because of well, menopause). Then my grandma and grandpa began a rousing conversation about porn that almost made Jeff squirt Coke out of his nose (everyone else is used to it). We made fun of my mom for not being able to master the delivery of joke-telling. I insulted my uncle by accidentally making an obscure reference to his ex-wife in front of his new one. But I wasn’t even talking to him, he evesdropped, so it’s technically not my fault. We then said a few hasty good-byes and went to Jeff’s house where his family is refreshingly normal.

10. We played a raucous game of PIMP! For those of you who don’t know what it is, we made it up. It’s a basketball game like HORSE or PIG, but with 1 letter less than HORSE, and 1 more than PIG and if you lose, you’re still a pimp. Anyway, I won.
Ok, that’s a lie. He won.

11. We watched Grumpy Old Men, which I had never seen and holy eff is it hilarious!! Who loves Jack Lemmon, raise your hand! And the guy who plays his dad in that movie made me laugh so hard that my head exploded. That’s not even an exaggeration. When he said “slipping her the salami” I ’bout lost it! I’m totally renting The Odd Couple next weekend.

12. Jeff casually asked me what the Monday 13 was about today, to which I replied, it’s not Monday you weirdo. Well, guess what? It’s Monday. So if you think this list was made in a hurry (and on Jeff’s computer) then it was. Oops.

13. The day ended with a chaste kiss on the forehead and sending me home early because of this damn cold that I can’t seem to shake. But it’s driving me nuts and I sound a little like a man, so I guess it’s a good thing that I get to bed early.
Because it’s back to work and back to school tomorrow.

*sigh*

Happy Labor Day, schmucks.

Me (after getting my shirt soaking wet): Damnit to hell!

Pablo: What happened?

Me: I leaned against the damn counter and it was covered in water that you spilled. You jerk. Now my shirt is wet.

Pablo: In Mexico, that means that you’re going to marry an alcoholic.

Me: Leaning against a wet counter means that you’re going to marry an alcoholic?

Pablo: Yes, in Mexico. Have fun with your drunk husband, hahahahaha!

I saw someone else do this on their blog a while back and I can’t remember who! So if you’re reading this and you go ‘hey, this ho totally stole this from me’ then let me know, because it’s driving me nuts and I’d like to give credit where credit is due.
See?
I’m a damn good person.
Anyway, I’m going to describe myself using one word and one picture per number. And they’re supposed to be related or whatever, so here goes.

1. I am Lindsey.

2. Introspective

3. Vain

4. Motivated (or focused, I couldn’t decide)

5. Loud

6. Graceful

7. Animated (ha! I’m hilarious)

8. Outgoing

9. Manic

10. Witty

11. Spontaneous

12. Smitten

13. Happy : )

Pablo had a bad day today.
So instead of mocking him (and all the dumb stuff he says) I think instead I’ll tell about a nice thing he did for me.
It was a couple of days before my birthday and Pablo knew that I’d been having a rough few weeks.
When I showed up to work on my birthday, Pablo was standing there with a boquet of wild-flowers and a big smile on his face.
Although he later denied they were from him and instead claimed that some random dude had left them on the counter (which is unlikely) it was one of the sweetest things in the world.
On an unrelated note, he called me a fatso today.

The end.

1. I consider control-top pantyhose to be a form of exercise… and a form of pure magic!

2. I pour ketchup on just about everything edible.

3. I flirted mercilessly with some gross dude today at the Home Depot, so that he’d let me cut in front of him in line. It worked.

4. I will always take every single personal day, sick day, and holiday that I am entitled to, and I will spend those days on my couch, picking my nose and watching Maury (screeching ‘OMG! He’s NOT the father?!’).

5. I will always get it with fries.

6. I hog the covers. And the pillows.

7. I’ve been known to ignore phone calls from boys. Beacause my mom wants grandkids and ‘no man will stick around if you don’t leave a little mystery. They like the chase, Lindsey.’ She’s pushy, that one.

8. I lie to strangers. Oh yeah. Not like, big ones or anything, just the kinds of stupid things that you say to a nosy stranger who you know you’ll never see again.
True examples of lies I’ve told:
- I’m a triplet.
- David Bowie is my step-cousin
- I was born and raised in a bungalow in Hungary.
… they’re all plausible, right?

9. If I see someone I’d rather not talk to, I’ll totally fake a cellphone call. This makes it easier to get away with just a wave.

10. I google my own name on a regular basis.

11. I’ve been taught how to drive a stick shift 4 times… by 4 different people!! And I still can’t do it. And I don’t even care anymore, I’ve spent far too much time grinding gears in parking lots with a frustrated guy riding shotgun.

12. I will ‘re-gift’ any present I don’t like.

13. My eyes will immediately glaze over and I transform directly into ’smile-and-nod’ mode whenever someone brings up politics. It’s a reflex.

Me: Its Thursday, which means that you have to say something weird for the internet. Soo… say something stupid.

Pablo:…… Lindsey.

Me: What?

Pablo: You told me to say something stupid and that’s what you are. HA!!

I have this week off of work! Classes start next Monday, it’s back to work next Monday, life generally ends for me next Monday, so logically I should be spending this one free week getting ready for school and cleaning and organizing, catch my drift? But my week is all planned out and unfortunately, I forgot to leave any free time to do anything productive.
Um… oops!

1. Sleeping the hell in. I’ve been so massively sleep deprived lately that I’ve been mistaken for a zombie no less than 4 billion times. So I don’t plan on seeing the world before noon all week.

2. Playing Rock Band. My brother got this game for his birthday and it’s the coolest thing I’ve ever seen. I sit in the basement with him and his friends and scream ‘my turn!’ over and over. It’s a riot. And then when I finally do get a hold of the mic or the drums, it’s pure magic. I’m a Rock Band rock god. And yes, you can quote me on that.

3. Watching the O.C. with Jackie. We’ve settled into this routine where it’s all about Pepsi (diet for me and regular for her) and bridge mix and whenever something sad happens, we pause the show and cry. Oh, I know. Something is wrong with my hormones, I think.

4. Fretting over things I have no control over. I could teach classes on this subject. I’m the world renowned SCHOLAR on this subject.

5. Finishing Breaking Dawn (the last book in the Twilight series). And ok, I know you’re saying one of two things. Either I’m too cool to be reading them at all (which, trust me, I know) or I should be so engrossed in them that I had the book finished mere hours after borrowing it from Jeff’s dad (thanks, Gary!). Well, all I have to say to you guys is… well nothing. I’m shrugging at you. You get shrugs.

6. Avoid asking my mother about anything wedding related. Every time I say something like ‘how are the wedding plans coming?’ or ‘have you two finally set a date?’ she bursts into spontaneous tears and swears up and down that ‘I’m gonna buy myself a pantsuit and go TO THE JUSTICE OF THE PEACE! AND YOU’RE NOT INVITED! NO MORE WEDDING TALK!‘. To which I reply ‘what are we having for dinner, psycho?’

7. Eating unhealthy amounts of $0.89 McDonalds hamburgers with Jeff. It’s kind of our new favorite thing and I’m gonna get fat. Also, we’ve been playing a lot of Mortal Kombat lately. I may or may not be turning into a twelve year old boy… stay tuned.

8. Hopefully watching Nicole have her baby. She’s like, a million months pregnant and I know she’s miserable, so I hope this stubborn kid comes out sometime this week. *Quote of the Week*- ‘Pretty sure my uterus is falling out.’ -Nicole

9. Painting my toenails. I’m thinking ‘Sassy Red.’ Ideas?

10. Going swimming. I’m trying to talk Tyson into going with me, because there’s nothing more depressing than going to a swimming pool by yourself… except maybe having to bribe your little brother with concession stand hot dogs and Choco Tacos to make him accompany you. Anyway, I haven’t gone swimming once this whole summer. The closest I got was when we had that really big rainstorm and I had to walk to my car. My bikini is lonely, I think.

11. Completing a bunch more Facebook jigsaw puzzles in record time. And wow, I can’t believe I just said that, proudly.

12. Having a girl’s night with Ash and Nicole. A much much needed one, as it’s been a while since we had a real one. Checklist: ice cream, Family Guy episodes, pajamas, and whiney stories. Ah, CHECK!

13. Wishing it could be this week forever *sigh*

Oh, dearest internet. I feel like I’ve been neglecting you.
No more, my friends. No more. But seriously, life has been messing with me as of late and I’ve just been trying to digest everything and take the moments as they come.

The day after mentioning the Most Hellacious Week in the History of the World, I was whisked away to the magical land of Ferron, Utah (ain’t no party like a Ferron party, I tell you what) with Jeff and a bunch of people, because he had a few musical performances there (and can I just say that he’s amazing? Because he’s downright amazing). And while the trip was fun, I humiliated myself no less than 5 dozen times. How, you ask? Well, first there was the time we were all in a crosswalk on our way to the carnival (see? Party animals) when, not 3 seconds after Jeff took his arm from around my waist to turn around and talk to someone, I stepped on some loose gravel and face planted directly into asphalt. Who’s surprised, raise of hands? And although Jeff was sweet about it and asked if I was ok and brushed all manner of dirt and rocks from my fanny, he said something to the effect of ‘I take my eye off you for one second and the next thing I know, you’re on the ground’ and I’m all, I know! Giant plastic bubble, anyone? But just for the record, we’re all blaming Jeff for this incident. Because, really, it’s his job to keep me upright and presentable in front of his friends. Also, I was forced to sing around a campfire (and I swear that I could hear the poor coyotes begin to howl as my voice assaulted their ears) and I forgot my flat iron, which meant that my hair was a crimpy, misshapen mess for 3 days. But on the last day, my wonderful boyfriend took me on a walk and gave me the most beautiful bracelet in the world even though I made an absolute ass out of myself in front of all his friends. High five!

Then the day after I got home, finals happened. Oh yes. The week of Final Exam Hell. And while I’m pretty sure I aced my Criminalistics final and my Philosphy final, the same can’t be said about my Math final. Although with the help of my new glasses (oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that I got new glasses! Pics soon!) I was able to peek at a few answers from the kid sitting to my left. So, thanks guy. Not sure what your name is, but you may have helped me pass math.

As finals ended, I was looking forward to a few weeks of pure relaxation (and the new Twilight book, Breaking Dawn) when, on Tuesday, I contracted the worst case of food poisoning that the world has ever known. I’m going to go ahead and spare the horrifying details, but just know that I passed out on Jeff’s couch. In front of his whole entire family. On O.C. Night, no less. But once again, Jeff made a bad situation a little bit better by braving my dark, stuffy, stinky, germ-infested bedroom the next day (while I lay incoherent on the bed watching Joan Rivers sell jewelry on QVC) with a giant smile and a boquet of wild-flowers. And yeah, I’m not gonna lie, I cried a little. But I was sick and delirious and we shall never speak of my foolish tears again. Anyway, now it’s Friday and I’m feeling a little less like I’m going to vomit/pass out/burst into spontaneous tears every 9 seconds. Also, my will to live is slowly creeping back. Even yesterday I felt well enough to swing with Jeff and then murder him at Mortal Kombat on the XBOX. And then get killed by Jeff 12 times in a row during Halo. And then eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a popsicle.
All the makings of a stable, mature relationship. Video games, popsicles and kissing on porch swings.

And now, I’m headed to the movie theater to see Brideshead Revisited with Brittney. And no, not of my own free will. When she asked me to see it with her I was all, sure as long as it’s not a love story. And she was like ‘oh, goodness no, it’s not a love story.’ So I agree and then my mom comes home and I tell her and she’s all ‘I’m pretty sure that’s a love story.’
Someone’s getting their ass kicked tonight. Brittney, I’m looking at you.